Like shaving your chest with a lawn mower.

This is just a quick little update because I've been blog slacking lately and I'm ashamed of it...I'm also ashamed of the fact that I'm ashamed of it. I meant to write a new post on all my blogs on November first, but that was yesterday so I'll be doing that today. I have also decided to update all three blogs once a week starting this week, because I want to keep my five collective followers interested in reading this drivel.

I wrote a blog a short while ago about learning to do certain tasks, some of the tasks were learning to write with my left hand, learn to play guitar and learn all the Roman numerals. Well just as predicted by myself and I'm sure all of you I haven't even tried to do a single fucking thing on that list. I've dicked around on Adam's seven string a lot but I always just dick around with it, I haven't tried to learn anything that sounds like music so that list was a failure. I do promise how ever to do some tasks in the near or far future.

My video game blog is not going so well, I was dying to start for a long time now so I did and it's a pain in the ass...I mean what can I say about games that no one else has said already. I won't give up on it though. The minute I finish this blog I plan to post my Grade eleven research project on Pokemon on : http://www.thephoenixdown.blogspot.com/

That paper took two solid months of research, writing, rewriting, scrapping, high lighting, stapling, printing copying and pasting so you better read it or I'll have you balls.


We got a washer in the apartment finally so more doing our laundry in the bathtub ! We put it in the back room and Glen (our landlord) should come any day now to hook it up. There was an old bar in the back room so Dwayne and I dropped it off our back balcony and then went and cleaned up the pieces. While cleaning there was a three seater couch, love seat and chair on the curb and I was tempted to take the chair but said fuck it, it was ugly but comfy as hell.

Anyways, I have more blogging to do and expect new posts every week from now on.

Halloween douche baggery

Ever notice on Halloween that there is always some ass hole wearing something really stupid or just plain unrecognizable or someone is only wearing half the costume ? I hate that shit, go all out or stay the fuck in it.


I saw a dude dressed like Wolverine from the cartoon in the 90's, he had the yellow suit and had the blue gloves and boots and even the claws...but he didn't have Wolverine's spiked up hair so it ruined the whole look. Then there is the ass wiper who just takes a bunch of things and puts them together. Like wearing a Gorilla mask with a Freddy Kruger back and red shirt with a bloody axe.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ?

Then there is the people who do the usual witch, vampire and ghost and then for the women they dress like nurses, cops and or any kind of sexy monster. Vampires are sexy, zombies not so much and there are not many hot ghosts.

I mean if a woman wants to dress hot on Halloween she should be creative...don't be a nurse or something stupid, be Tinker bell or Helen Keller or something.

I always dress up as a Hobo but then I'm not technically dressing up am I ?

Oh bother

Being a kid was a great time in my life because everything was great and wonderful, everything was happy and bright and as I got older it became not so great, no where near wonderful and it's no longer happy and bright...maybe content and a dull gray. When I was a kid I would spend hours outside pretending to be a knight, a vampire, Megaman, a ninja turtle, a mutant, a super hero or an animal and while I still sometimes do those things...it doesn't have the same affect. I remember one time when I was a child, I was maybe four or five, I sat in my room looking outside at six thirty in the morning. The sun was out, it was November and there was frost on the ground. I pretended I saw a bear outside, so I put on my winter boots, my winter coat and my toque and I went outside and found a long stick suitable enough to be a shot gun. When I breathed I could see my breath and I was no loner in my backyard..I was in the mountains with thick tall trees, fallen logs and boulders. A car goes down the street but that car soon becomes a running deer as I make the real world my own little world. It's cold out and the ground is hard...but I have a bear to catch. I begin running around trying to find the bear, I lost sight of him while dressing and now I'm trying to locate him using my skills from living in the mountains in a log cabin with my bloodhound Gus. I finally find the big black bear, it stands up and roars, eight feet tall, 700 pounds, all muscle, tooth, nail and fur. The bear is angry but it has reason...I'm near her cubs. I put my gun down and back away slowly and the bear retreats with it's cubs. I pick my gun back up and I head back home to my log cabin, I brew coffee and start to make breakfast as country music comes out my radio and Gus lays on the floor.


That's when I heard my Dad yelling at me to come it shouting such things as

"What the hell do you think you're doing outside ?"
"It's too cold and no one is awake yet"
"You're lucky nothing happened"

I tell my Dad what I was doing over Eggo's and juice and he tells me I can go back outside and play again...we just won't tell my Mom I was out. My Dad also tells me that if I go further down the mountain I can find a cave with a lot of fish.



See why being a kid was so much better ?


- J. Simpson

New things and goals for me to fuck up or conquer.....(fuck up)

I'm a big fan of learning useless things, like where you can catch a Staraptor in Pokemon Diamond or what the weirdest law suit was (some farmers sued some mosquitoes a long time and the lawyer was so good he got the mosquitoes cleared of their charges...no joke) or what time it is right now.

I never learn useless things though, like useless abilities or useless talents so to speak. I don't think I have one thing I'm really good at except :

I'm a fantastic liar:

I can come up with a lie on the spot and a good one at that. My problem is though I get a little pathological with it sometimes. I always know how many lies I have going and to whom they're going to.

I have great reaction time:

My friend Adam and I were rear-ended by another car last year, a split second after the impact my seat belt was off, my door open and I was asking Adam if he was alright and if everything was ok. I can react quickly when I have to and my "Adrenaline" fueled commands are always spot on.


Now besides those two things which are useless unless I'm in a car crash with several deception experts will get me nowhere. What I'm going to do are several things..I'm going to make a task sheet here and then complete the tasks and then move on to more. I want the millions of people who read this thing (wishful thinking) to ask and monitor me.

Here's the list:


Number one: Learn to write with my left hand

Number two : Read the dictionary like a book, from cover to cover.

Number three: Learn all the roman numerals up to one million

Number four: Be able to name at least five animals for every letter of the alphabet

Number five: Get a story published in anything be it a paper, magazine or book

Number six: Use something I know a lot about and get written in a paper for my knowledge

Number seven: Have the idea of me and A smoke filled room be a photography spread

Number eight: Be interviewed for something

Number Nine: Learn to play guitar ( I live with two guitarists so this will be easy

Number Ten: Learn to be able to say "Yes please" in every language




Now obviously some will take long, some will be short and some won't happen for sometime. My first task will be writing with my left hand. I'll keep you posted boys and girls.

Catching some Zeds

I do this thing every now and then where I look at the clock and realize I'm tired as hell, I then get the intention of going to bed. I begin my routine of checking my e-mails, checking Facebook, checking the various forums I'm on and then going to see my subscriptions on Youtube this way when I wake up, I have left nothing unanswered or unwatched. Usually as I finished watching my last video on youtube, I'll remember other things I want to check, such as who sang that song (it was A girl can dream by Melissa McClelland) or what games are coming out soon.

Before I know it, I'm lying down, playing DS and smoking planning to power down and go to bed once I level up Gabite and smoke my smoke down to the filter. I look at the clock and realize I only will get four hours of sleep before having to wake up and I get discouraged, I hate waking up and feeling like crap. My eye lids feel like weights are hanging off them, my bones feel like there is dust on them and my head feels like it's filled with wool...so I opt to not sleep which is what I did today.

At 2:30 I was yawning and was thinking of how awesome it would be cause I would get up at 9:30 and feel well rested. At 4:30 I was no longer tired and then decided to stay up and go hand my invoice into Shirley at 9:30 rather than only get five hours of sleep. I'll just come back after at around 10:00 and sleep till when ever the hell I feel like.


What do you do...would you rather get under five hours of sleep or would you rather stay up and then crash and have a ton of deep sleep ?

Hot chicks want to date me ?

Have you seen those fucking commercials where some smoking hot chick who most men can only dream about having has to call a phone line to meet other sexy singles ? Does anyone else find it funny how a woman who looks like this has a hard time finding a date ?






Like come on. You're telling me as girl that good looking has to resort to phone dating because she can't find guys to date. That would be like Megan Fox choosing to date me.


The worst part is, people buy this crap and call in in hopes of getting hot dates but I bet you they end up with people who only have one eye or suffer from Rickets. Are we really at point now where we can find people to date so we have to call them, I mean beauty is in the eye of the beholder right ? Where I grew up there was slim pickings of good looking women, most were inbred, had one eye or were 800 pounds and had been on welfare for nineteen years (some were a mix of all three) but I've seen these one eyed elephants walking hand in hand with their partners and having a happy moment. There is someone out there for everyone despite what we think and trust me, you won't find a hot blond on one of those phone lines and if you do this will probably be the outcome :










"Shit son" - Troy Duheme talking about a hot blond in Huntingdon

I'm brushing up on my reading now

Hey to Melinda and Troy who will probably read this. No offense to Rachelle and Laur but I won't mention you guys read this yet until I see some dedication.

So guess what the fuck might be happening, you'll never guess in thirty two years what might happen. Well first things first, I'm going for a job interview tonight...but guess where it is...
No you're wrong...it's at a church.


Imagine me working at a church. Vulgar, lazy, rude, sarcastic Jared might be working at a church...Jesus.

So to prepare for this I began reading the bible and holy hell that book is crazy. God can't be a right prick sometimes but he's about to let me clean one of his houses and mow its lawn.


This turn off events will be so strange, I can't imagine me working at a church, all the old bitties and toddlers. Maybe I'll meet some hot christian girls and turn her onto the ideas of premarital sex and drug abuse (fingers crossed).

Well I'm gonna go read some more bible and hope that I can use some quote and they'll hire me.


Sorry to Mindy and Troy for not writing...but I promise these will be coming more and more often.